Random Life Musings, Part 2

--Spring Break and long distance relationships are like the "Titanic" romance, ideal on the boat, doomed in the real world.

--A "We Clear?" moment is when you regulate on and lay the law down to some fool, followed by "We Clear?".

--If the meek ever inherit the earth, they'll keep it for less than a week before the strong take it away from them.

--I don't know how much my next vacation will cost, but when my axle decided it was lonely and paid my transmission a visit, it cost about $1300.

--If you want less of anything to happen, tax it.

--When a woman says, "I'll be ready in a minute", that's about the same amount of time as when a guy says "Honey, there's only two more minutes left in the game."

--Cats will eat burritos, and dogs will not eat beans unless surrounded by chili, and as for the results of that eating, well, some things are better left unsaid.

--I have always thought it would be fun and interesting to smack a penguin. The penguin did not tell me to do this.

--"Much maligned" means whoever is maligned has been getting their tail kicked recently and is trying to make up for his previous wanker-dom.

--Air drying after a hot bath, some reality TV, and warm chocolate chip cookies are among the best of life's guilty pleasures.

--Even Ben Affleck buying her a $108,000 toilet seat could not buy Jennifer Lopez's love, which supposedly don't cost a thing.

--If you sing like a cat being drop-kicked, your grill looks like it could make cole slaw without aid of further kitchen instruments, and/or you resemble a drag impersonator attempting to impersonate Meat Loaf, perhaps, and I am going out on a limb here, perhaps "American Idol" isn't for you.

--Some of the most fun things to do are: having a good, long talk with someone you care for that lasts well into the wee hours, staying up all night watching movies, or finding yourself ensconced in a good book...sometimes sleep just has to wait.

--Obnoxious, tin-eared politicians of both stripes think because "We the People" use words, computers, and peaceful demonstrations these days that we have forgotten how to use guns, tar and feathers, and ropes and scaffolds when they go too far...they would be wrong.

--Also on the fun things to do list is to put a cassette type of Cypress Hill's "Insane in the Brain" into a Teddy Ruxpin doll and watch the poor bear try to keep up...just priceless.

--Speaking of bears, a friend of my brother growing up had a miniature schnauzer who loved nothing more than to hump his little sister's Care Bear dolls without mercy...he was an equal opportunity banger, decorating both the boy and girl bears alike. At least now he won't get slapped with a sexual discrimination suit, so he has that going for him, which is nice.

--Pro basketball and international soccer have become so rigged and the outcomes so determined by officiating, they should just have the head of FIFA and all the refs and NBA Commissioner Stern and all the refs stroll out arm in arm to Vince McMahon's (owner of WWE) theme music, entitled "No Chance in Hell", because that's about as much chance as the non-chosen team has of winning anything meaningful in those sports. In the future, after one mistaken call for the non-chosen team, upon a second offense, referees shall be disciplined by a chair shot to the skull...it's in the Rule Book, look it up.

--Except for the playoffs and World Series, nobody watches baseball on TV anymore because both the season and the games move like old people have sex.

--OK, I'll say it, John Murtha was channeling Grandpa Simpson in his most recent appearance on "Meet the Press".

--The words Mexican and buffet should never go together, ever.

--Just once, when someone asks me how I am but doesn't really care to hear anything other than "Fine, you?", I am going to tell them some horrible story with a ring of truth to it just to mess with their head. I think the old people working the Wal-Mart greeting stations would be a fine experimental location.