The Sports Gal on Christmas Gifts

Bill Simmons, my favorite ESPN.com writer, goes by the handle "The Sports Guy", so natch, his wife is "The Sports Gal". This year, during his weekly Friday NFL football pick columns, she makes picks too and gets to tell a story, give advice, or some other such thing that appeals to female readers of the column. This time, she gives her advice on holiday gift tips for guys re: women...much hilarity ensues, and it's not to be missed...by the way, she is leading him by four games worth of NFL picks this season with about 5 weeks left to go until the playoffs. If she beats him, his manhood may never recover, and his readers, myself included, will never let him hear the end of it.

"There are two kinds of bad Xmas gifts: Copout Gifts and Just Plain Bad Gifts. Every guy reading this needs to avoid them both. Some examples:

Copout Gifts: (1) a gift certificate to a spa (screams, "I put no thought whatsoever into this"); (2) a vacation to any locale that just so happens to have gambling (we're not stupid); (3) a homemade gift certificate promising stuff like taking out the trash, walking the dog, dates or back rubs (cute idea, but they never get turned in and from my experience, they expire); (4) a box of candy (makes us mad because we can't resist and we're already worried about holiday weight); and, of course, (5) cash.

Just Plain Bad Gifts: (1) Any household items like blenders, toasters or anything that has potential to be on a bridal registry (this will really anger a girl if you're not engaged yet); (2) nothing from a mall chain jewelry store unless you're broke (and if you have to, change the box); (3) a sports car for your wife that you know you'll end up driving once you knock her up and she's stuck driving an SUV or minivan; (4) Victoria's Secret nighties that would only look good on one of the mannequins in the store; (5) gym memberships, Jenny Craig or Trim Spa (unless you want to be killed in your sleep).

While we're here, four gifts that will work: (1) a Nano IPod with 100 of her favorite songs already on there; (2) quality cashmere anything (scarf, sweater, hat, gloves); (3) a thoughtful book with a nice note inside; and (4) the "Grey's Anatomy" box set (it's the new "Sex and the City"). Also, please don't e-mail Bill to say that I "mailed it in" this week because this stuff is super important. If you still plan on e-mailing him to say that, go to hell."