A Fine Weekend Reading Assignment from Mrs. DuToit

Mrs. DuToit absolutely hits one out of the park here with an essay that really gets into the meat of some things on the periphery of my consciousness for some time now...things I think I've known but have only been able to partially articulate. I've always used the saying, "The sun will rise in the east and set in the west" as one of my frequent turns of phrase to describe things that are true whether we believe them or not. Any post that combines that saying, a fantastic poem, ("If", by Rudyard Kipling), along with deep discussion of discerning judgment, trust, and the problems inherent in tribalism and following the masses without being incoherent and is definitely worth a read. There's too much to do justice with bits and pieces, so consider this today's required reading assignment.

"Just as surely as the sun will set in the West, there are some things that we can rely on. We can’t rely on everything, of course, but many things are so constant and reliable, we can think of them as absolutes. ...

It is inherently wrong to limit a person (options, rights, opportunity) based on the family, clan, or tribe into which they were born. A person can’t choose that. You can’t choose your family name or your heritage. It is, however, perfectly reasonable (and appropriate) to do so based on the character and behavior of an individual, and it was that where some of the commenters got it wrong, or missed my point. This is because a person CHOOSES that. Every individual makes choices and it is by their choices that they may be judged. ...

Trust is earned. Once lost, it is incredibly difficult to regain it. And that is why there is so much emphasis on not losing it, on not tossing away your honor and “good name.” You may not ever get it back and that is the true punishment for wrecklessness. Any transgressions on the road to trust recovery can (and should) be viewed much more critically than someone who never stepped so far off the reservation. I say that last thing a lot, Trust is earned. I say it so much it may be something I harp about. I say it a lot because people don’t get that.

You shouldn’t trust anyone who hasn’t earned your trust. You should extend to strangers a limited trust, giving many the opportunity to earn it, but it is a gradual thing. If someone demonstrates that they are flaky or has a history of being someone with a trust issue, then you don’t have to extend them the opportunity, or give them a pass. They have to start from scratch on the trust-earned scale, and should not be trusted. More importantly, they have to earn their trust from someone besides me. I’m not going to be their laboratory. ...

Reasonable suspicion is enough to bar someone from your house (and your life). It may not be enough to convict someone in the court of law, but we’re not talking about the court of law. We’re talking about our everyday dealings with people, and they don’t have to rise to that standard. ...

You can have and use whatever standard you want in deciding if someone is going to be your friend. You don’t have to explain your standards or reasoning to anyone. You can be as tight with your requirements and as strict in your rules as you feel necessary in choosing your intimate relations. I’d argue you should be extremely cautious about who you allow into your cadre of associates. If that means your friend pool is limited to a few close friends, great. The fewer the better! What is more important than volume is quality.

Judgmental is a GOOD thing. It is so good, in fact, I am constantly in a state of evaluation if I’m being judgmental enough. I WANT to be judgmental. I want to be judgmental about everything. I am an elitist, a snob, a complete shrew when it comes to the quality of things in my life. I’m always amused when someone throws the “You’re a snob” or “That’s elitist” lob at me, as if that is a label or behavior I would want to avoid. On the contrary, I wear it like a badge of honor, an award, a great big “this is what I’m striving for… my life’s ambition and goal.”

I am using judgment in ALL aspects of my life. I want the BEST that life has to offer, in all things. That’s what the focus of my life is all about, figuring out what is THE BEST, and wanting nothing but that. I want the best food, to be surrounded by things that are beautiful. I want to read the best literature, listen to the best music, and eat the greatest cuisine the world has to offer. And, of course, I want to be surrounded by people who are the best. I want their best. I want their best thoughts. I want them to rise to their greatest potential, to be the greatest they can be, at whatever floats their boat. I choose my friends carefully, from a very limited pool, and have no problems discarding people who I don’t think live up to my standards.

The “crowd” (ie, the great unwashed masses) are not polite society. It doesn’t matter if they are the majority. Lots of people doing something stupid doesn’t make it not stupid. The majority of everything isn’t worth the time of day. The majority of food consumed is garbage. The majority of movies made aren’t worth the celluloid. The majority of music is crap. Just because a lot of people do something (such as getting tattoos) doesn’t make it acceptable or proper, and more importantly, it doesn’t make it good. Being able to withstand the social pressure to do something the masses are doing to “fit in” is what character means. It demonstrates character to do the right thing, regardless of how many people are doing the wrong thing. ...

Now the flip side of “fitting in” is the desire to demonstrate the reverse—to be intentionally contrary. Better isn’t necessarily opposite. It can be, but as a general philosophy, it is a mistake. It is just as silly to buck everything as it is to accept everything. ...

Just as surely as the sun will set in the west, there are things that are the best, the most beautiful, and the most wonderful. The trick, however, is in figuring out what that means, and what those things are. It is not the destination. It is the journey. If you think you’re done, if you think you’ve arrived, you’ve failed. You are never done and as long as you are comfortable with that, you’ll do just fine."