The Insanity of the MLB Offseason and Free Agency

ESPN columnist D.J. Gallo has written a hysterical piece about the zoo that is the major league baseball winter meetings. This is where most of the wheeling and dealing, major trades, and big free-agent signings happen in baseball's off season. It never fails that there are ridiculous rumors, funny stories, and several sad but true cases, of "Wait, they paid how much for that stiff with a bad arm, no bat, and/or who can't catch a cold playing defense...?" This quasi-parody definitely good for a laugh.

Monday

6:55 a.m. My flight just arrived here in Orlando for the winter meetings. This is so exciting. I've never been to Orlando before. It's thrilling to think that I could be walking in exactly the same steps a famous Orlandoan like Scott Stapp or one of the Backstreet Boys has walked in before. I can almost hear their music in my ears as I walk along. It sounds like my soul dying.

9:15 a.m. I was just let in on a little secret on my way into the meetings: The Brewers are about to complete a trade for Manny Ramirez. Pretty nice scoop, if I do say so myself. However, the same guy told me I need to repent because the end is near, then he threw trash at me. Hmm … I'm starting to think maybe he wasn't a general manager.

11:27 a.m. Scott Boras (MLB superagent version of NFL's Drew Rosenhaus...he also might be the Devil --Ed.) is representing many of this year's big free agents, and I have an interview scheduled with him at 11:30.

11:30 a.m. Oh … gotta go. I think Boras has arrived in the building because all the plants just died and the temperature dropped a good 20 degrees...more in an hour or so when the interview is over.

11:33 a.m. The interview didn't happen. Boras demanded a 30 percent cut of all ESPN.com's future profits before he would sit down for a conversation. Plus, he tried to reach into my chest and remove my heart. I found that to be really unprofessional, so I canceled the interview.

Tuesday

11:55 a.m. I just got off the phone with Brian Cashman. I called to ask him if he is "dangling Johnson or dangling Wang" in any deals. He didn't laugh. I bet he wasn't anywhere near as popular as I was in middle school. I think I might call him back to see if his refrigerator is running. That one is classic, man. Classic.

6:11 p.m. A weird little Korean guy with big hair showed up here today saying he heard there were some big spenders in town and asked whether anyone wanted to buy some weapons-grade plutonium. He also claims he once struck out 47 batters in a nine-inning game.

Wednesday

11:14 a.m. Mike Piazza's agent says the only thing keeping his client from signing with Oakland right now is that Piazza is worried Oakland doesn't have any good salons where he can get his tips frosted.

2:44 p.m. I hear the Dodgers are trying to write into Schmidt's contract that the entire deal will be voided if he tests positive for steroids. Supposedly, there are some people in the Dodgers organization who are concerned he could have gotten some sort of contact high from playing with Bonds for six years.

Thursday

10:11 a.m. I just got off the phone with Manny Ramirez. He doesn't seem affected by all the trade rumors. In fact, he said he hasn't thought about them at all. Apparently, he recently had a ceiling fan installed in his living room, and he has just been watching that go round and round all week.