Bill Simmons on Saddam, A.I., K-Fed, and Dane Cook

Bill Simmons writes some of the funniest stuff ever, mixing in a blend of dry humor, pop culture, and sports references that has no peers (see uproariously Britney/K-Fed commentary below, although the Dave Chappelle/Dane Cook joke only makes sense if you've seen "Trading Places"). His Friday column was no exception, and I'm posting my favorite questions and answers from his most recent mailbag column, which don't occur nearly as frequently as I'd like. Sometimes it's the little things that make me happy, so enjoy!

Q: We have to give it up for K-Fed. Yeah, he's getting a divorce. Yeah, he left his pregnant girlfriend. And yeah, he looks like a rat. But he turned a career as a greasy backup dancer who probably had nothing but his expenses paid for into half of Britney's fortune, a record deal, mainstream celebrity status and is now fighting John Cena in a WWE ring. This would be like me going to a Sixers' game, nailing the half-court shot at halftime and then securing a $40 million, five-year deal from Billy King to be an "ambassador" for the organization. --Pete, Stoney Creek, Ontario

SG: I couldn't agree more. You know, we make fun of K-Fed, but if this was one of your friends, wouldn't you be high-fiving him right now? Three years ago, he had no career and no life ... now he's a multimillionaire with a record contract, and he can say he was married to Britney Spears and even had two kids with her that she gets to support. And if that's not enough, she's paying HIM alimony. And we're calling this guy a LOSER? He's a winner, I say.

Q: I'm 99 percent positive that Randolph and Mortimer Duke recently wagered $1 that they could turn the funniest, most successful stand-up comic into a disturbed bum on the street and turn a random unfunny guy off the street into the hottest comic in the land with TV specials and a feature film. How else can you explain the fall of Dave Chappelle and the rise of Dane Cook? It is the only answer. Looking good Dane Cook! Feeling good Dave Chappelle! --DeVito, Washington

SG: There's still a month left in 2006, but that's the E-Mail of the Year so far.

Q: My buddies and I were talking about appropriate punishments for dictators like Saddam Hussein, and we came up with an idea that works for everyone and could raise money for the International Criminal Court without using tax dollars. Why not charge admission for people to look at convicted dictators in their jail cells, kind of like a zoo for genocidal megalomaniacs? Think about it: you put them in small, basic cells behind plexiglass and charge 25 euros to watch them go about their day. Tourists could get baked at a local coffee shop and head over to the jail to gawk at Slobodan Milosevic sitting on a cot watching "90210" reruns. You could even charge extra to feed them falafel pellets and shawarma biscuits. This would be a far worse fate for a once-proud dictator then being executed. Who wouldn't pay 25 euros to watch Saddam Hussein in his underwear eating Cheetos? --Kris, Washington

SG: DeVito from Washington, you've been bounced! That's the new Greatest E-mail of 2006. And just for the record, I'd pay 200 euros to see dictators in zoo cages.

Q: So, one day last week I see Sixers GM Billy King in a restaurant in Philly. I started thinking "Does he deal with ordering food the same way he signs NBA players?" If he ordered the steak, if it's an OK steak but nothing fantastic, does he offer to pay double or triple the market value for it? Maybe there could be a show where Billy King negotiates car prices for people who stand by dumbfounded as he offers $27,000 for a 1987 Toyota Camry with 167,000 miles. -- Adam, Philadelphia

SG: I had a sarcastic follow-up joke here ... then I remembered that my favorite baseball team just spent $51.1 million for the right to negotiate a free agent contract for a Japanese pitcher who's represented by Scott Boras. I'll shut up now.