Now For a Comedic Break From Bill Simmons

OK, so it's the little things in life that make me happy. A little while back I posted a column from ESPN.com writer Bill Simmons re: Vegas and some of the rules for a trip there. Since I figured my few readers (and me) could stand a break from the doom and gloom of the news of the day, enter Mr. Simmons. Every so often he makes an entire mailbag column out of comments and questions from his readers and his responses to them. Some of it is admittedly corny but a lot of it is laugh out loud hilarious, so here are the highlights from his most recent mailbag column. Pay special attention to the part about Britney and K-Fed, that one just slays me no matter how many times I read it. I also think a comparison of Britney Spears to Dwight Gooden (great start, bigger hype, ultimately undone by his own demons and poor decisionmaking) would work. Anyway, enjoy!

Here is the thing about breasts -- they don't regenerate like starfish arms. They grow back like rotator cuffs -- usable, but without the same suppleness, and not built for the same amount of speed. Except that now they will hold pencils. (This was part of a ridiculously funny and on-point comment from a reader re: Lindsay Lohan and the disappearing act pulled by the artists formerly known as her breasts due to an eating disorder, a raging party streak, and possibly being strung out on dru-, er I mean, from the "exhaustion" of her "busy schedule"...good times. --Ed.)

Q: Dear Abby, I mean Bill. ... A group of guys heading to Vegas for a Bachelor party. Last minute one of the friends asks if he can bring a friend along. No one really knows this new guy. What is proper bachelor party rules? Can we get an official ruling?
--CFA, Memphis, Tenn.

SG: Well, there are two schools of thought here. Some use the "more the merrier" logic, which I've never understood because bigger numbers make it tougher for everyone to meet at the same time, tougher to get around, tougher to get dinner reservations and tougher to get into, um, clubs.

Also, you're increasing the chances that one of the following people will be involved: The guy who doesn't play blackjack but stands behind everyone else touching their chairs and giving a running commentary; the guy who shows up with $125 for the entire weekend; the guy who got married too soon and turns into a "Very Bad Things" character as the weekend goes along; the guy who gets everyone kicked out of the strip joint; the guy who orders the surf and turf or the Kobe beef for dinner, then expects everyone to chip in equally; the guy who doesn't want to gamble and just wants to go clubbing; the guy who's dressed too casually and ends up keeping everyone from getting in somewhere; the guy who throws up in the limo; the two alpha dogs who end up nearly coming to blows because they're both hammered at 4 a.m.; the guy who refuses to pay for lap dances but sits right next to everyone else who's getting them; and so on.

Personally, I like smaller groups of friends who know each other. Vegas is like an NBA rotation -- sure, you can play all 12 guys in one quarter like Doc Rivers does, but the teams that win championships always have an eight or nine-man rotation. Why do anything differently?

Q: What do you think your daughter's nickname is going to be on the 2023 edition of "Flavor of Love?"
--Matt D., New York

SG: Orphan.

Q: Short of smashing your cell phone, disconnecting the computer, locking yourself in a monastery, and swallowing the key, is there any possible way to avoid having an apocalyptic-level fight with your woman the day before you take a vacation together? I feel like I'm some poor slob standing in the Wrestlemania ring when the Undertaker's music hits, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm sure there's going to be screaming, a headache, and a sweaty body lying victoriously over mine.
--Jared, Murphysboro, Ill.

SG: There's no way. It's impossible. It's never happened. It's the sibling to the Separation Fight, when they pick the fight right as you're about drive to the airport for the weekend so they can leave some sort of psychological mark on you, almost like a dog peeing on a tree. But here's what you COULD do: Pretend you have a stomach virus the night before, plant a new book in the bathroom, then spend the night going in and out of there and playing up how sick you are. Not only will she feel bad, the maternal instinct will kick in and she'll make you chicken soup and stuff. Plus, you can finish a book. Really no downside here.

Q: I would like to officially nominate the Adam Kennedy/Scott Feldman slapfest as the sissiest sports fight ever. It looked like Kennedy was trying to scratch Feldman's eyes out rather than punch him, and his helmet actually falls in front of his face as he is unleashing his estrogen rage. Meanwhile, Feldman throws a left chicken wing somewhere into his ribs. I couldn't tell whether there was bad blood between the two teams or Kennedy was upset because Feldman used his pink razor in the shower.
--Ian, Windsor Locks, Conn.

SG: Good e-mail. I loved how Feldman waited until there was two outs in the ninth to throw at Kennedy (only the smallest guy on the Angels). He should have been suspended an extra 10 games just for being a wuss.

Q: Back in your single days, would you have hooked up with big time female athlete (given the opportunity) just for the story? For example, you see Diani Taurasi at Foxwoods after a Mercury game in which she just dropped a WNBA-record 47, do you go for it to tell your boys "guess who hooked up with the single-game scoring record holder?" If not you, do you have a guy in your crew who would?
--Alex, Orlando, Fla.

SG: (Fighting off 200,000 bolts of current from the ESPN editors.)

Q: After watching the train wreck of a performance from K-Fed at the Teen Choice Awards, I started to think ... is Britney Spears the Mike Tyson of the pop world? Think about it, she got on top of her game at a really young age, blew by the competition and seemed to have peaked at around 21. Then, she breaks up with Timberlake (which could be Cus D'Amato dying). Then finds K-Fed (who is a mix of Don King, the rape charge, and Buster Douglas all in one). So what's next for my former dream girl?
--Dan Soder, Tucson, Ariz.

SG: I just enjoyed that you described K-Fed as "a mix of Don King, the rape charge, and Buster Douglas all in one." Sums him up perfectly. But in the spirit of your analogy, I think WrestleMania is next for her. It's the logical next step. After she pumps out the next kid, K-Fed leaves her for her sister, her next album bombs and she files for bankruptcy for the first time, I could totally see her becoming Triple H's manager for a few weeks and hitting John Cena over the head with her purse at WrestleMania XXVI. Just feels right.