I Feel Like a Nomad...Wondering Where Home Might Be

The last few days have brought some interesting revelations and thoughts, and it started last Saturday when I went to my friend/co-worker's housewarming party at her new house that she and her soon-to-be fiancee just bought. Those two crazy kids seem to love each other and are doing well. It is a nice house, good neighborhood, awesome pool, it even has a movie room so good that if I lived there, I might never go to the theater again. Then this evening I went out with my friend Leigh and her boyfriend Dave for dinner and drinks, had a blast. This was my first time meeting Dave, and what can I say, I was impressed, and that doesn't happen often. There are far too few good, solid, and honorable men in this world as it is, so for one of my best friends to end up madly in love with such a guy and he with her, that's good stuff right there. So then I come home from dinner and check my e-mail and myspace to find another friend (maybe former friend, who knows at this point) went and got...MARRIED and didn't even tell me.

Just the way my mind works, maybe it's the lawyer in me, I always look for patterns in things, in life, whatever, try to discern meaning if any is there. All the folks I talked about just now are happy, they are in a good place and they're loved. I think the common thread in all three situations is that these people have found a situation where they truly belong, that feels like home to them...a place where they can settle in and be secure in dealing with whatever life throws their way and in chasing their dreams with all their might.

That's what has been missing with me, literally my whole life. Thinking back even to my childhood, I can't recall a single place, physical location or relationship, where I really fit in, where I felt like I belonged. I have always been too much of something or not enough of something else, the always square peg to many different round holes. Sports, school, friends, romance, even family, you name it, that's me. Moving around a lot geographically, not having any real roots to speak of, and having lots of goals and ambition from a young age probably didn't help much. It's difficult to explain to people, and maybe I am even sucking at trying to explain it right now, but going through life feeling merely tolerated and respected yet never as if you truly belong gets very hollow after a while.

On account of my faith, I certainly believe in God and His plan, and I certainly feel like I have been put here and likewise have been placed in the paths/lives of others for a reason and a season, but I don't think that's the same as belonging. I shouldn't really complain a whole bunch because, by any measurable worldly standard, my life is fine, better than fine even. Too bad fine doesn't cover human emotions or fill in the empty spots in my heart that I try desperately to ignore most of the time. This usually works until I have quiet time of some length, just me and my thoughts, usually before bed at night or on long drives on the interstate. But it's then, those times when it's just me, that's when the void of belonging in my life becomes most obvious and prominent.

I'm not saying my friends don't love me, because I surely believe they do, and ditto for my family, as jacked up as they sometimes are. For starters though, I think I might even settle temporarily for a job where I feel some sense of purpose, as if I truly belong there, just so I get used to the feeling and how great I'm sure it will be when my personal life finally catches up. I really believe my sense of belonging is somewhere out there, a fulfilling professional life, a place I can settle in and call home, and someone to love like crazy, the way my friends in this post are in love. As hard as it sometimes is, all I can do now is try to enjoy the journey as best I can until my time comes for these things to arrive, and trust God that they will.