The Old People Smell, by Robert Shagwell

This site right here is one of the funniest sites I have ever visited, hands down. This post, explaining the way most old women smell is hysterical, especially the part describing why the mothball-smelling old grandma perfume is necessary. Just great, fun times all around.

"Have you ever noticed how old people always seem to smell funny? Of course you have. Everyone has. They emit gusts of repuslive redolence at every step. It makes no difference geographically, either. You can have reekers in the plains of Kansas, the piers of San Francisco, and the suburbs of Chicago.

This is considered common knowledge. Well, duh; grandkids have been exposed to this malodorance since toddlerhood when visiting the grandparents. What I find interesting is that all senior citizens tend to smell the same, especially the older women. Now, our older senior gentlemen are usually sending forth fumes consisting of encrusted urine, gingivitis, and underwashed undergarments. Again, common knowledge. Older ladies, on the other hand, tend to emit nasty effluvium in one of two flavors:

1.) Wet Dog Funk- Yes, I said it. Don’t even deny it, because you know exactly what I’m talking about. It would be one thing to have an older lady giving her dachsund (for you psych majors: weiner dog) baths everyday and then considering the stray splashing water good enough to call a “shower". It’s another when the older lady doesn’t have a dog, or a neighbor with a dog, or even a neighborhood do-it-yourself doggy detailing shop. In short, no dog should mean no dog smell. Right?

Wrong. I went undercover to find out. I found a ladyfriend of mine sleeping naked, so I woke her up, fuc*ed the sh*t out of her, and put her to sleep again. Then I went undercover again to get to the real dirt on this perplexing problem. Turns out there is no scientifically compelling reason for this. Besides passing gas every fourth step, old ladies just happen to naturally smell like a sopping wet german shephard dry-humped them first thing in the morning, and that’s the truth.

What’s there to do about it? Well, glad you asked! You should seriously consider purchasing a nice bottle of:

2.) Old Lady Perfume- I don’t even have to describe it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. There seems to be only one type, because I have never smelled an old lady who wore any perfume other than this. It’s not very attractive, and chances are they sprayed entirely too much on ("too much” referring to any amount strong enough to kill smaller domestic puppies). Now, I want to believe in my heart of hearts that there are some older ladies out there who purchase fragrances other than Old Lady Perfume. I mean, come on. As kids, do you think they enjoyed smelling their grandparents with that ghastly stench? Nope. So why would they turn into seniors at their respective times and adopt the same fumes themselves? It doesn’t make any sense, no fuc*ing sense at all.

But wait, there’s an explanation! After conducting a large-scale, statistically significant double-blind randomly-sampled survey (read: asking my grandma), I found out older ladies do wear other types of perfume. But upon immediate contact with their skin, a chemical reaction (that has yet to be researched) causes all fragrances – no matter how sweet and wonderful – to decompose into Old Lady Perfume. Try it yourselves, kids! Take some of your momma’s best perfume and spray the shit out of the nearest old lady (you can nab plenty at the neighborhood Golden Corral buffet) and see what kind of magical chemical concatenation of events take place. Once left to fester, give it a good whiff, and viola, you’ve got Old Lady Perfume! Makes a great science fair project! Grandma won’t mind, as long as you set a daytime television show on repeat nearby.

Something must be done about this travesty in modern American society, and who better to step up to the plate and take charge other than your man Dick Shagwell? I decided to do a little experiment on my own and see what an older lady would smell like without the Old Lady Perfume. After unknowingly stealing my grandmother's unlabeled antique bottle of who-knows-what, I went back and visited her three days later (just enough time to make sure all her pores were free of contamination).

I couldn’t even step into the house. It smelled like semi-digested popcorn piss, curdled yogurt poop, and festering undercooked chicken sweat, rounded out by a pugnacious stench of a wet (and probably dead) golden retriever, and that was just my grandma, not her kitchen. It all makes sense! The only aroma strong enough to conceal/cancel out/overpower their natural putridity is that Old Lady Perfume! It all makes sense now!

My nose started bleeding, and I threw the bottle in like a hand grenade and made a run for it."