Relationship Wisdom, from Ian Kerner, Ph.D.

I actually finished the book, "Be Honest, You're Just Not That Into Him Either", by Ian Kerner, about a week ago, but I've been too busy to post my thoughts and key points from the reading until today. Yes, it is a book primarily advising women, and it's written that way. Being a man, however, I have a pretty good idea of what it means to be a man in today's dating world and I know (more or less) what I am seeking in a woman. So, I figured a woman's perspective on the pitfalls and upsides of dating could be a worthwhile read. I'd say the things that jump off the pages at me the most from this book are twofold:

1.) He doesn't try to give you a set of hard and fast "rules" to follow to "guarantee" relationship success. Most books of this genre are badly overreliant on such rules that, while they sound great in theory, have little practical use whatsoever. What he does instead is to relate his own stories and experiences, as well as those of some of his female clients (he's been a therapist and counselor for over twenty years); by doing it this way, he allows the reader to see that they aren't the only one that dating mishaps happen to, and he lets them take or leave the wisdom gleaned from these experiences as they wish, depending on how much it applies to themselves and their respective dating situation.

2.) His writing about dating (and living) "in the meantime" really struck a chord with me. It reminds me of Johnny Depp's line in "Blow", where he says, "Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it." I've always been a carpe diem kind of guy when it comes to dating, but I'll own up to having lived in the meantime a little in my life in general in times past (i.e., well, maybe I'll put off doing X for just a while, until I get settled, into a perfect financial position, etc., only to find that by doing that, the thing I hoped to do never even gets started). Kerner's theory is that by settling in the near-term for less than what we want and need, or just doing any old thing or dating any old mediocre person to fill the time until Mr./Mrs. Right comes along, we end up losing a lot of time and a lot of life, and in the process, we might even miss the opportunity to meet someone truly amazing.

The book was a fun and easy read, but it contained a lot of good experiential revelations, so I'd recommend it to anyone, especially women. Here's some pearls of wisdom I picked out from the book...enjoy!

"Like getting a pet, dating becomes another form of insulating ourselves from being alone. When we date in the meantime, it's often because we are afraid of dealing with ourselves.

Imagine going through years of your life with the gut feeling that none of it really matters YET, that it will start at some point in the future, and that the present doesn't really count. This is untrue, but it is equally impossible to live only in the moment. The ideal, yet difficult, course of action is to find a happy medium between the two.

Seeking perfection and holding impossibly high standards is only another form of living in the meantime, only it's at the opposite end of the continuum from settling for dating someone for the wrong reasons (i.e., to avoid being alone).

If I can only get one point across, it would be this: Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Don't get wrapped up in finding or keeping someone to date, and don't resort to rules, tactics, or playing the numbers game. Don't succumb to the pressure to achieve coupledom. That way, when the real thing comes along, you will be ready, willing, and able to jump in with both feet, not caught on some infernal treadmill where you wouldn't know the real thing if it slapped you.

If you're into him simply because you need him to be into you, your ego is driving your decision. Stop this to prevent your ego from ruining your dating life.

If you're just in it for the chase, you're playing a game. Have good enough sportsmanship and self-respect to bow out and send him on his way.

If you're sticking with someone simply because there is less risk even though you're not that into them, you are settling and lowering your standards. If you ever hope to have anything worth having, you'll have to risk something, put something on the line to get it.

While compromise may be the name of the game in business and politics, it's NOT lowering your standards or settling for less that what you need, want, and deserve that will ultimately win the day.

Love is not a TV movie, a Hallmark card, or an elixir to all life's problems. It's still out there and you will find it, but once you get past the myth of love, the sooner you are likely to find something that's both wonderful and grounded in reality.

Love at first sight is a false conceit; people frequently confuse it with chemistry, which, while necessary, is only a fraction of what it takes to make a relationship work.

Part of finding love is getting past the myth of perfection and being able to love someone who, like all of us, does have some flaws. The package wrapping your future mate comes in might not seem perfect to you at first glance, but the stuff on the inside has the potential to surpass all of your greatest fantasies."