Alanis Morissette and Van Wilder Are Off...I Don't Even Have a Joke Here

Do I hear a sequel to "You Oughtta Know" coming somewhere in the near future. From The Zero Boss comes word that Alanis and Ryan Reynolds have called it quits. If there are two more polar opposites than Van Wilder (Reynolds) and Uncle Joey from "Full House" (Dave Coulier) for this woman to have gotten hot and heavy with, I haven't yet seen that pair. Alanis, like many other artists, was at her best in the throes of pain, heartbreak, and despair. Not that I was ever crazy about her music in the first place, but maybe now she'll make her first decent record in a decade in the near future.

"My wife doesn’t usually revel in other people’s misfortunes. She made an exception this morning, upon learning that Alanis Morissette and her fiance have called it quits.

“Thank God,” she said. “Now maybe she’ll stop with the ‘Thank you for everything, India and love and flowers blah blah blah’ shit and give us some good ol’ ‘I’m gonna cut your fucking balls off with a rusty razor’ music. You know, like back in the day.”

I’ve blasted Alanis before for riding the coattails of her former angry glory, and not giving us anything decent to listen to since some asshole wined-dined-69′d her, and she ran off and bathed in the Ganges. Sadly, the return of Kali Ma Morissette seems unlikely, if we’re to believe the press release:

“Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morissette have mutually decided to end their engagement,” their representatives told People magazine in a joint statement. “They remain close friends and continue to have the utmost love and admiration for each other.”

Ugh. Gag me with a Whitmans’ Sampler.

Okay, fine, Alanis. Have your happy ending. Just leave that “utmost love and admiration” bullshit at home before you head for the studio, huh? No one wants to hear about your utmost love and admiration for Ryan Reynolds; we want to know that the fuc*er’s gonna feel your nails on someone else’s back. Can you FEEL it, Ryan?"