Wednesday, May 23, 2007

How Not to Sound Like a Tool on a Personals Dating Website, For Men

This Rachel Lucas post right here is hilarious and speaks for itself. Thankfully, I was only guilty of one or two of those faux pas (what is the plural of faux pas anyway...faux pases?!) during my online dating days of old. I met some wonderful women, but I was careful, I had some standards, and I seemed to bring at least a few good things to the table because I never had any truly awful horror stories. I can't wait to hear what she says about the women-folk in the very near future.

"Almost all of the single people I know use online dating services; the taboo seems to have completely lifted in the last few years. Because, would it really be better to meet men in bars? Eww. Anyway, so a few months ago, I put a profile on Yahoo! personals just to see what would happen. Then I spent some time searching through all the other profiles, and basically...oh my GOD.

Of the roughly 400 "contacts" I got in the first month, I immediately deleted 95% of them with a cringe on my face because their profiles were just so apocalyptically BAD, but that made me feel kinda mean (really - only a little), and I thought to myself, Self, maybe you can HELP these poor bastards. So, this is for any single guys who are trying to meet women who are both sane and intelligent...

How To NOT Sound Like a Total Dillwad on the Personals:

1. When composing a headline for your profile, never use the phrase "Work Hard, Play Hard!". There are no exceptions to this rule, unless you find a clever way of being sarcastic about it. Such as "Work Hard, Play Hard! my pants." Otherwise, you sound like a tool.

2. Do not claim that you love to do "anything outdoors." Unless you really mean it, in which case I have a ditch that needs to be dug.

3. Do not post photos of yourself with attractive women. Women who are evaluating your dateability are NOT TURNED ON by seeing you with your arm around a Hooter's waitress with a dopey grin on your face. It's just the way we are. Get with the program.

4. Don't be a nutburger stalker. When you send a message to a woman, wait 72 hours. If at that point she has not responded, FORGET ABOUT HER. Don't send another message telling her how you rilly rilly are a great guy and she's missing out. Don't send her a second message two hours after the first, telling her she's proven herself to be a typical selfish woman. Do not assume that a lack of response before a few days have passed means she isn't interested in you, but DO assume it beyond that point and walk away with your dignity intact.

5. Don't tell us what your friends think of you. "My friends consider me to be honest, loyal, and fun to be around." What? NO WAY. You must be totally awesome if your FRIENDS think you're a decent person.

6. Do not say, "I love to have a good time." Nuh-UH!! Marry me please, because I just can't meet ANYONE who loves to have a good time. What an unusual quality for a human being.

7. Do not title your headline, "Carpe Diem." Dude. That is the most hackneyed thing you could possibly say. We're OVER it. Great movie, nice concept, but Jesus H. Christ. Just do not say it.

8. Do not title your headline, "Nice Guy...With An Edge." The primary reason for that is, five billion other guys use the same headline. The secondary reason is because it is meaningless and also sounds really fuckin' silly.

9. Ease up on the use of "fairly". There's something about that word that just pisses me off. "I'm fairly successful, I'm fairly new in town, I'm fairly adventurous, blah blah fairly blah" -- seriously, guys. Stop it. Do you TALK like that?

10. Don't say that you used to be a playboy but are now ready to settle down. First of all, if you have to say you were a playboy, you probably weren't. Second, it's kinda repulsive. I hear a man say he used to "play the field" and all I can think about is how many STDs and bastard children he has.

11. Much like #6, do yourself a huge favor and don't say that you "enjoy life." Because, again, NO SHIT. We are all going to go ahead and assume you do, in fact, enjoy life, even if you don't point out such. You may as well tell us that you are glad you can breathe and you don't want to die.

12. This the most important thing of all: LEARN HOW TO SPELL. Especially - I cannot stress this enough - if in your profile, you claim to prefer "smart" women. Because the thing about smart women is, they are wholly repulsed by guys who write like third graders. Here are some actual examples straight off the Yahoo! pages:
"I'm funny and humerous."
"Cool, calm, and collective."
"I tend to be layed back."
"I know your out there!"
"Pin pal needed!"
"Looking for a women who will luv me."
"I perfer smart ladeis." (Good luck with that, genius.)

13. If you have children, trust me, we KNOW you love them. It's kind of assumed, you know. You do not need to say, "I have two boys who are the center of my world. I'd do anything for them. I love them more than life itself. My boys are the sweetest little guys in the world! I have built my life around them." I mean seriously. For the love of GOD.

14. Never, ever, EVER whine in your profile about past relationships and how they scarred you. Nothing says "sexy" like baggage, baby!

15. Don't waste your time initiating contacts with women whose clearly-listed preferences do not in any way resemble YOU. You'll just get deleted. For example, the "my ideal match" list on my profile clearly said I preferred guys who were age 30-40ish, of fit or athletic build, college educated, no kids, not religious, and so on. Yet I got dozens of messages from men in their 60's, 22-year-olds with no job, men built like Michael Moore, men with four kids whom they had full-time custody of, men who said "godliness" was the sexiest quality in a woman -- you get the picture. I'm sure they were all lovely individuals, but the preferences are stated for a reason. I don't want to date men my dad's age, and I don't CARE how much money they've got. I don't want to date men who weigh three times as much as me. I don't want to date men who make half as much money as I do - they're just not trying hard enough. I don't want to date men who get turned on by Jeebus worship, it would only end in mutually assured destruction. And really, if I explicitly state a preference for NO KIDS, get a clue. That probably means I don't really LIKE children, so why would you want me to be around yours?

16. Don't make the fatal mistake of assuming ALL women are crazy bitches who want your money. I know, I know - some of them are. But if your opening line is, "You're cute, but the first thing I want to know is if you're crazy like most chicks and are you looking for a sugardaddy because I'm not into that drama," you go in the Douchebag File of Presumptuous Fucking Douchebags.

17. Do not say that you wish to find a mate with a sense of humor. Come on. Think it through. I'm repeating myself here, but...NO SHIT? You don't want someone with NO sense of humor? Huh. What a rare creature you are.

18. Do not, under any circumstances, wear a cowboy hat in your profile photos. Maybe it's just me, but I do live in Texas and I have asked around, and sorry to break it to you guys but most women really, really, REALLY aren't into the cowboy look unless you very closely resemble Tim McGraw in face and body. Few men can pull it off and not look like total dorks. I'm just trying to help you help yourself here.

19. Severely curtail your use of exclamation points. For example: "I don't want to sound arrogant! But I'm a great guy! Are you a great girl? I love the outdoors! Talk to me! I'm looking to meet nice ladies for friendship and maybe more!" Good lord. Take a deep breath. By the way, I'd like to see MORE use of the semicolon; it can be pretty sexy. One more thing - a profile written ALL CAPS is so very, very wrong. Don't do it.

20. Don't list 500 different activities that you "love to do in your spare time." I've seen profiles that seriously said, "On the weekends, I love to ski, surf, boat, fish, camp, rockclimb, play tennis, play basketball, play golf, hike, work out, watch movies, go to museums, have drinks, grill steaks, and cuddle a special lady." Well. My goodness. Sounds absolutely appalling to me. I guess those are the guys who like to Play Hard?

Bam! I feel so very helpful right now. By the way - I don't have a profile on Yahoo! anymore, and I recently started seeing someone I really like a LOT, so I'm off the market. Probably just broke a trillion hearts.

P.S. In case it seems like I'm being too tough on the guys, just wait; I'm making a guide for women, too, and it's not gonna be pretty. It is my well-researched assessment that the "ladies" are even worse than men as far as sounding like dunderskulls on the personals. By the way - "ladies" - is that what we're calling women now? It makes me throw up in my mouth a little."