The Funniest Cheating-Related E-Mail Smackdown Ever

OK, so I got this one from my friend Angie's blog. The first e-mail is from the cheating ho'-bag who is trying to apologize to the guy she cheated on, and his response, which follows, is absolutely priceless. I really couldn't have said it better myself. Read, laugh, and enjoy!

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that
I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the
people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person
that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all
for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all
of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even
handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't
handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird,
I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The
world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I
don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it
sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a
significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It
is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my
behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling
like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I
am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can
say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that
fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever
imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my
life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would
be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously
feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that
it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off.
I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth


HIS REPLY:


----Original Message-----
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 12:02 PM
Subject: Re: Ugh....enjoy.

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load
of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45
minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long
because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't
f*ck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to
you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings
for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't
think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run
of the mill, cum-guzzling blonde, who commands about as much respect
as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some Bridge & Tunnel chick who comes out to spend the night at my place, even though she's seeing someone else in New Jersey, and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class,
you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad