"Wild at Heart", by John Eldredge

The book I am re-reading right now is called "Wild at Heart", by John Eldredge, and I want to share a few points from the book and my thoughts about them. Some of the things discussed in this book are things I have felt for quite a long time but have never been able to articulate in a clear voice until now. One of my online buddies recommended this book to every man, and while I don't refer people to books lightly, I wholeheartedly join her in recommending this one, both to men and to any woman seeking to better understand them. As is the case with many of the books I truly enjoy, this is not a seven-step, ninety day how-to list, but rather a book of themes, stories, and guideposts meant to inspire thought and to encourage putting into actions the things you come up with on your own.

The author says that within a man's heart lie three core things around which the very soul of his being revolve: a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. It is easy to see those values in the movies that men watch (think "Gladiator", "Braveheart", etc.), the occupations they inhabit in large numbers (police, soldiers, firemen), and the women they pursue (think Juliet). The other part of the book that stuck in my mind was the author's view of the key questions within the heart of every man and woman, which ties into part three for men, a beauty to rescue. For men, it is "Am I strong enough? Do I have what it takes?"

I am not saying and do not believe that any man who doesn't like the movies or jobs I listed above is not a real man. In my own life, however, when I watch those movies, I find myself reverent of the heroism shown by the main characters, wishing I could be more like them. That has been, in part, what led me to the realization that manhood and masculine strength have little, if anything, to do with a 9 to 5 desk job, nor do I think being a nice, dutiful, whipped, timid, beaten down, cubicle slave, shell of a man that only Cosmo could love is going to fulfill any man who is honest with himself or satisfy any similarly honest woman.

At my current job, I am a public defender, an attorney who defends accused criminals, most of whom are indeed guilty. On the one hand, it appeals to me when I get the chance to defend and protect people who are truly innocent; unfortunately, the vast majority of my clients are guilty of what they are charged with and generally have committed many other crimes they just didn't get caught committing. For the sake of those innocent people, my job is a vital and necessary function in our society, but I don't get much satisfaction from it because my sense of duty and honor and my innate need as a man to protect and to serve are at odds with what I do.

I think that, if I do stay an attorney, I would be much better served as a prosecutor, someone who pursues the bad guys, puts together the case, and puts them on lockdown, protecting society at large and my loved ones in one swoop. Besides, being a prosecutor after having been a defense lawyer would give me a keener eye to assess weaknesses in evidence, flimsy cases, and/or the possibility of an innocent person being railroaded. Another possibility would be joining the JAG corps as a military lawyer. That seems like a more and more attractive option for any number of reasons, but the ones pertinent to this post are twofold. First, I have always had a great respect for our military personnel and the sacrifices they make to protect us, and to be able to bring to the table a skill they don't have, to bring to bear on their behalf knowledge that will better help them do their jobs, that would be an honor. Second, I would get a moderate level of soldier training, things like fitness, firearms, military traditions etc., albeit something more age and skill appropriate for me, thus making me able to actually participate as a soldier if necessary. That appeals to the both the "battle to fight" and "adventure to live" parts of me because I would be preparing in the event that my country and loved ones needed me to step up and fight for them.

Outside the professional realm, my occasional spiritual void from lack of battles to fight and adventures to live is largely my own fault. I haven't done as many competitive things as I used to when I was in high school and college, and I find myself missing the competition, the victory, and the male camaraderie. Also, as of late, I haven't undertaken many true adventures (i.e., going places I haven't been, doing things I haven't experienced, etc.). Fortunately, both of those things can be fixed, and it can be something as simple as joining a sports league of some kind, making time for a weekend trip to the mountains for hiking or skiing, or when the weather gets better, learning to whitewater raft or improve my waterskiing skills. At least in the heart of a man, I think those things are just as important to filling a spiritual tank as spending time with the Lord, because it plays a key role in fulfilling who He made me to be.

Every man is meant and made to get his strength from God and from within himself, but this is especially true of men, whom God created first in His image and set as leaders. My main point of contention here is that men who seek to obtain their strength from women (mothers, spouses, it doesn't matter) are fighting a losing battle in which they will never be fulfilled, even if they "win". Men can only get the answer to their burning question within from God, and in life, from other men (usually a father, and to a lesser extent, mentors and friends). Men are also tested and grow in strength from the battles and adventures of life, regardless of whether those things are chosen voluntarily or not. This journey, not a relationship with a woman, and not successfully following legalistic church doctrine, is what defines a man's voyage from childhood to manhood.

In the context of a healthy relationship with a woman, a man should go to offer his strength to a woman (meaning he already has it), not to seek out strength and validation from her, and vice versa with a woman and her beauty. Men who do try to obtain their strength from a woman completely miss the point of seeking out a beauty to rescue. You don't make a woman the point, and she shouldn't be the adventure or the endgame. Men who approach women and relationships in that fashion often find themselves unsatisfied because now that he has the beauty, there is no more adventure, and he finds himself asking, "Where do I go from here, and what happened to the thrill, our passion, etc.?" This is why so many men stray and cheat, not so much for sex or even because they don't love their girlfriend or wife as much as it is to re-live the sense of adventure inherent in the pursuit. Unaddressed, this can easily lead to a vicious cycle, a repeating pattern of disappointment and a trail of broken relationships in a man's life. Further compounding the problem, once a woman senses that the sense of adventure and the man's willingness to fight for her has waned, she will quickly become bored and dissatisfied as well.


That's also why "nice guys", those who mistakenly make the pursuit and capture of a woman the point of the relationship adventure will usually finish last with the best of women. Sadly enough, this is the type of man that Oprah, too many neutered churches, our schizophrenic society, and our uber- politically correct culture have been reasonably successful demanding us to be...and women wonder why there is a shortage of "real men" around? A woman definitely wants to know that a man thinks she is lovely (NOT accomplished by being a pervert), and that he will fight for her (NOT accomplished by punching out every dude who breathes in her direction), and she needs to be shown these things at every proper opportunity. More than that though, and even more than a "nice guy", a woman wants to be a part of the adventure with a man, a full co-participant in it, and seen by the man as strong and beautiful enough in her own right to be a part of the adventure by his side. Finally, the successful pursuit of a woman's heart should not be the final adventure they ever experience together, but rather the first of a lifetime of grand adventures, made all the sweeter because those two people are experiencing them with one another.

Why does this matter? I have been thinking more and more about the kind of woman with whom I want to spend my time, and eventually, my life, and this book really spoke to my heart on that topic. This falls under the category of more "beyond the list" stuff (see earlier posts). I definitely want a woman who I believe to be worthy of my time and pursuit, someone who I think is lovely, physically and otherwise. I need someone who understands that she (and my family) would be a huge priority to me, but that they can't be the end all, be all in my life, and that this is a good and healthy attitude to have. God and my spiritual growth definitely have to come first, and she should recognize that it's healthy for us both to have friends and interests outside the relationship/marriage. I am as responsible and loyal a man as any woman could want, but there is more to me, and there has to be more to my love and marriage life than that. I can't be with someone who expects me to be defined by a 9 to 5 desk job, fulfilled punching a time clock and coming home (and nothing else), or with whom I feel like my personal and spiritual growth might die or stagnate.

Life with me is going to be a fun adventure with some battles along the way, and I want a worthy beauty who understands that and is willing to walk that path and take that journey with me...someone who knows everything there is to know and still chooses me, us, and our adventure/life together. I am simply thankful to be serving a God who knows that to be a desire of my heart, and whom I believe to be faithful and just to keep his word and bring that woman into my life in His time. :)