"Captivating", by John and Stasi Eldredge

I spent the better part of my weekend wrapping up "Captivating", by John and Stasi Eldredge...the bookend counterpart for women to Eldredge's 2001 book, "Wild at Heart". Just as I recommended "Wild at Heart" to any man and the women seeking to better understand them, so too do I recommend this book for any woman and the men better seeking to understand them. I don't know many guys who read books like this one in an attempt to better understand women, to see how the other half lives...I guess that just makes me unique, in a good way of course. I will admit this on the front end...while I understood all of what I read in "Captivating", probably a full 1/3 to 1/2 of the book didn't resonate with me. The parts that did so mainly impacted me because of the issues I've seen the women closest to me in my life struggle with; and the rest, well, I'm sure it resonated with the women it was meant for, just the same as I suspect some things in "Wild at Heart" will read like VCR instructions in Japanese to women. This one might run a little long, so grab a beverage and enjoy!

There's so much good stuff in the book that I couldn't possibly cover it all, so I'll just highlight a few key points and solid quotes, provide my thoughts and analysis, and leave the rest to those who want to read the book themselves.

"Do not give your pearls to pigs. (Matthew 7:6) Matthew was saying, 'Look, don't give something precious to someone who, at best, cannot recognize its beauty, or at worst, someone who will trample on it. ...A woman can test and see if a man is wiling to move in a good direction by offering a taste of what is available with her if he does. Rather than giving everything in a moment, she allures him and waits to see what he will do."

I think this is pretty self-explanatory (i.e., don't settle, have some standards, take a little time to see what kind of man he is day in and day out, etc.), but it's still a point that needs to be made because too many really amazing women give all of themselves to completely unworthy douchebags. It's both discouraging, and it makes me angry because I know they deserve better (even if it isn't with me). All I can do is counsel the women in my life along those lines where appropriate, pray for them in their decision-making, and trust the outcome to God.

"Strength is what the world longs to experience from a man, but isn't it obvious that we don't mean big muscles? Of course, a man might like to work out at the gym, but if he is only physically strong, he is a hollow man. Are we as women satisfied with that kind of man? Of course not. On the other hand, our man might prefer to read or to play an instrument. Does this in any way diminish the strength of his soul? Not at ll. The strength of a man is first a strength of soul, a strength of heart. And as he lives it out, owns it, inhabits his strength, he does become more handsome, more attractive as the fruit of an inner reality."

As I read this quote, I wanted to jump out of my seat and exclaim "Yes! This is what I have been talking about!" A brief story: on Spring Break in Florida while I was in college, a young lady mused that I must be gay because of the following things: I dressed well, I didn't embarrass myself or her on the dance floor, I liked to read, and I had a favorite musical. I really didn't get that, because I am a man, no doubt...I work out and keep myself in good shape, I watch and play sports, I am all about some competition, I won't let a woman be disrespected or mistreated if I can help it, etc. But God forbid, Heaven forfend that I should have a bit of culture, that I am intelligent, and that I appreciate things of beauty in this world outside of just the female form...and for that, I'm branded as gay or weak? WTF?! At the time, I was both angry and insulted, and let's just say that I didn't react very well.

I've since come to realize that this is a common misconception among women, especially about me. I'll grant you that far too many "nice guys" are, in fact, passive and weak, hence they are unappealing and not viewed by women as a "real man". There is, however, a distinction to be made between a good man and a nice guy...namely that the good man has everything the nice guy has PLUS strength of heart and character. Part of my job as a man is to show off all the sides of me as a man, to make sure that women do not somehow mistake things like kindness, willingness and ability to communicate about important (sometimes emotional) things, and appreciation for beauty in all its forms as weakness. The duty of a woman in this regard is to give a man a full and fair examination to be sure she is correct when deciding which category a man belongs to. Women need to understand that they can have all of the things they are after in an man, and that they shouldn't settle until they find it.

"Women are creatures of great mystery, not problems to be solved but mysteries to be enjoyed."

Wow! Chalk this one up to one of the most difficult lessons for men, present company included, to learn about women. Most men are wired to assess the problem, fix it, and move on to the next problem to be fixed until there are no more problems to be fixed. This isn't to say that women will never have issues, and heck, we men may even be able to help them with some of their issues...it's just that they themselves and our relationships with them should not be treated like a problem to be solved. Women are looking for men who love and appreciate them, who are happy to be with them, who delight in them...men who save their problem-solving skills for actual problems instead of treating them and the relationship like a problem.

Beauty flows from a heart at rest. ...A woman of beauty is not striving to become beautiful or worthy enough. ...A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become.

I'll definitely agree with the authors on this one. Though the cause of the beauty is different for men and women, it's true for both genders. A man is in a place of calm and restful peace when his questions re: his strength (Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes?) have been answered affirmatively from God and from within himself; a woman, on the other hand, is at calm and restful peace when her questions re: her beauty (Am I lovely? Do you delight in me?) have been answered yes from God and within herself. Note that in neither case is this sense of peace and calm dependent on the approval of others, being in a romantic relationship, the accomplishments of life, etc. This isn't to say that striving for success when passionately pursuing the desires of our heart is a bad thing; rather, it simply means that those things should not define us, that they shouldn't become an end unto themselves, and that we shouldn't attempt to substitute any of those things in the place of our spiritual journey and relationship with God.

There aren't many people who have arrived at such a place of contentment, and it certainly isn't easy to stay there...but experiencing someone at peace with themselves is an entirely different than someone who seeks peace externally, and there are few things in this world more attractive. To me, it's very alluring to be around and/or with a woman who is strong, but not closed off...loving, but not promiscuous...conscious of her value, but not snotty or aloof. The authors are right: a woman such as this arouses a man's strength and brings out the best in a man that women so often complain of not finding or having.

"The scariest thing for a man is to offer his strength in situations where he doesn't know if it will make any difference, because failure says "No." to his question, "Do I have what it takes?". ... The scariest thing for a woman is to offer her beauty in situations where she doesn't know if it will make any difference, or worse, where she might be rejected, because rejection says "No." to her question, "Am I lovely?" We do not want to offer beauty or strength unless we are guaranteed that it will be well-received, but life offers no such guarantees. We too must take risks."

I think this goes back to my comparison of patience versus waiting from a couple of posts back. I postulated that waiting is something affirmatively done, putting the adventure of life on hold waiting on who knows what to arrive and allow our life to begin...only to find that by so doing, we allow precious time to slip away, wasted and never to return. Patience, on the other hand, involves trust and waiting on God's timing, but patience can be exercised while we are living life.

We must offer ourselves, put ourselves out there on the line and in the breach, and trust God with the outcome. Failure will happen to us all, and we will never get all the things we want in the time we want them. At least by exercising patience while living life, we will get some of our heart's desires in the present with the promise of future great things to come; conversely, if we wait to start life on a guarantee of success, we will never have any desires of our heart because living a true, full life will never begin. As the old saying goes, "Nothing ventured (risked), nothing gained."

"A desolate woman can also be one whose ache for a man is what defines them, women who will do whatever it takes to get a man. She moves from lover to lover trying to fill the void within her. She's available, but only in a clingy, desperate way...groveling, manipulating, begging for attention. Their message to men is 'I need you too much. Please fill me, tell me who I am.' "

I think everyone knows many people like this of both sexes...someone who tries to fill the spiritual void within them with another person. Making one other person your entire world is both unfair and unreasonable...that request is one that no one can grant. It may work for a while, with one person being a parasite, needing, taking, demanding, and the other being the host, giving and supporting. But it won't be long before the imbalance becomes too great to ignore, and the host notices this isn't a partnership at all, begins to resent the parasite, and eventually walks away.

As the authors say and as I've said before, this defining yourself and your happiness in terms of another person is a losing battle and a fool's errand. Many of my female friends have said, "You can't respect someone who licks your ass", and they're absolutely right. Not only that, it's pathetic and desperate, and it doesn't work, because no man or woman will find the kind of partner they sake using such an approach. Worse than that, the best a clingy and desperate person can hope for is to find someone just like them. That won't work either, because going at such a sprint of a pace will burn both parties out very quickly, and the relationship will likely end badly.

In sum, the relationships that have the best chance for success are those where the man comes to offer his strength to the woman from his own reserves and the woman comes to offer her beauty to the man from her own reserves in a mutual give and take. With this approach, both parties are enriched, fulfilled, and built up to more and better than they are alone in the best of ways...good times indeed.

"However it is expressed, arousing Adam (man) comes down to this, this is what a man needs to hear from his woman more than anything else: You are an amazing man. I need you, I need your strength. I believe in you. You have what it takes."

This is another one the authors have exactly right, but this only works with a man who is at restful peace in his own heart, a man who has his strength to offer a woman because he's convinced in his own heart and soul (and from God) that he does have what it takes before being able to properly hear and accept such a wonderful profession of faith and belief from his woman. A man wants to know his woman is happy to be with him, that of all the other men she's ever known or come across that she chooses him and is happy she made that choice. When a man truly believes that, women will be utterly amazed what a man can and will do in for her in return.