My Voice...Remembering 9/11

This is my recollection, 5 years out, of the morning of 9/11 from my first year of law school. This piece was written while I was a 3L at UT-Knoxville. I think the thing I remember most is it changing my perspective, especially as it relates to my loved ones. Little more than a week before the attacks, I had a bad argument with a dear friend, and I said some of the most horrible things that anyone could imagine to this person. There was no excuse for my behavior and I offered none. The day of the attacks, once I knew my family was OK, my thoughts turned to her, hoping that the things I last said to her wouldn't be the last words she ever heard me say. As it turns out, it wasn't. I sent a long e-mail of apology, and while noting that my feelings were hurt, that I had no business saying what I said, and asking for forgiveness. We later had a long phone conversation and patched things up, said we loved one another, and hung up. Although this wonderful woman's path in life has taken her far from me, it makes my heart smile to know that we ended on the best of notes and that we will always have a small place in the hearts of each other. Just like the attacks brought out what really mattered to the people who died that day, it did the same with me. This is my story, there are others like it, but this one is mine.

I remember that morning well. I had overslept, and was cursing myself for running late to class so early in the semester. When I came through the doors, it struck me that nearly every classroom was empty, completely EMPTY, cavernously empty. I walked through the halls feeling like I was in some post-Armageddon movie scene. Still munching my strawberry Nutri-Grain bar (funny how we remember the little things), I went down to the Commons, a place on the first floor of the law building where students relax, talk, socialize, and study. Most times in the morning there are a few full tables, some with one or two folks at them, and others empty. That day, they were all empty, and everyone was packed into the Commons, and they were all standing, watching in shock on the big screen TV.

I arrived shortly after the first tower had hit, and then things kind of get blurry. I vaguely remember asking someone what had happened, started reading the news tickers at the bottom of the screen, and not believing what I was seeing. Then the second plane hit and the fireball came. The closest I can come to describing the feeling is when a professor calls on you to explain a case to the class, and you haven't even skimmed the material and have no answers...times about TRILLION. That's how bad I blanched and how badly my stomach dropped. More blurriness, then bodies dropping from the sky, the Pentagon, and Flight 93...my God when will they stop and how many more can there be?!!

At some point the President came on and talked to the nation, and somehow things seemed a little better. This man, George W. Bush, God Bless him had taken off his politician's hat, and it stayed off for quite a while. He talked to as as human beings, grieved with us, cried with us, vowed to get to the bottom of this with us...and he MEANT every word. There was no doubting that for a second, and at that point I thanked God for having this man in charge. After the initial grief, and the calm and honest words of the President, my next rational thought (after the blinding rage, the disbelief, and realization that this was a whole new ballgame) was, "Alright, where are the cowardly, murdering, scumsucking bastards that did this? There isn't anywhere they can hide where we won't go hunt them down and exterminate them like the vermin they are, and by God we have a leader who understands and will lead that charge!!!" (Comments
substantially edited to avoid excessive swearing due to anger over the attacks themselves and re: subsequent failures to live up to the promises made in the aftermath of that day to get the terrorists and ALL their allies, not just the ones that are convenient. --Ed.)

Then the facts started emerging...Al-Qaeda, Osama, Islamofascist terrorists...Giuliani and his strength, the heroes of Flight 93, the NYPD and FDNY, the unbelievable grief and pain of the families. I have said all this to make the point that this changed me FOREVER. When I looked at what happened that day, I did not UNDERSTAND, nor could I comprehend the magnitude of what had happened. And for that, even to this day, I have felt utterly selfish for being so wrapped up in my own life as to not see this coming that it kills me.

When I got to law school, the wild streak hit me that hits most college kids at 18 when they are on their own and buckwild for the first time. It started that summer before and lasted until that day...leading to all kinds of bad times that but for the grace of God am I even still here. But that day helped turn the tide for me. I am not saying all that stuff stopped immediately, but most of it did. I needed perspective, and I craved understanding and knowledge more than anything. I certainly wasn't going to get it the way I was going. Seeing the pain of the families, the horror of a nation, and the steely determined resolve of a nation and its leader to FIGHT gave me pause, and put things in a new light.

I started thinking that I was in law school for a reason, and that I was pi$$ing it all away. I started studying harder, and dedicating myself more, even through my grief and self-flogging for my selfishness...going about life the best way I could. I mean, dammit, if for no other reason than those murdering cowards didn't want me to, and they still don't, I will do it...I will live the American dream, and use whatever path God takes me down to help other people realize how great this country is and that they should live it too. I have cleaned up my life, immersed myself in politics and current events, and become the penultimate newsjunkie. It all started that day, because I wanted knowledge I didn't have, perspective I couldn't have gotten any other way in such a short time, and to atone for my selfishness regarding the needs and plight of my fellow Americans and my country.

Two years later, and it has finally set in. To me, the tributes, the songs, the playing of "Taps", the cards and notes of loved ones at Ground Zero, the sickening replays of the planes hitting the towers and the Pentagon, and of people leaping to their death from an inferno, denying the murdering cowards the power to chose their death...it all means something to me now in my heart. It all means to me what it should have that day had I been handling my business the right way. Not surprisingly, I have spent my day mostly in tears or on the verge thereof. The national anthem at Vols' football games means more to me now than ever...country music, specifically "The Angry American" and "Have You Forgotten", hold a dear place in my heart, etc.

It took two full years, but now I KNOW. I know what I should have known then, and I will keep it up. If anything like this ever happens again, someone tries to destroy our way of life, I am 24 years old and in good physical shape, smart as hell and could probably stay home, but I would be the first one down to the recruiter's office to hunt those miserable vermin, wherever they are now holed up. I will close with a quote I once heard from a columnist whose name now escapes me..."I hope that as their last thought on earth, the people who perpetrated the plot and supported the murdering cowards of 9-11 infamy, in whatever caves they lived in before departing this earth, the thought that "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to pick a fight with America after all."

Amen, couldn't have said it better myself. I will never surrender, never forget, and I will always remember. And if I have anything to say about it, we most certainly will not fail. May God Bless all who read this, our president and leaders, our armed forces fighting for freedom and exterminating terrorists globally, all my fellow Americans, and finally, America the Beautiful herself.

Sincerely,
Chris Whittaker