A Recipe for Marital Success, by Mrs. DuToit

As crazy as it is, and as exciting as it sounds, marriage is a huge thing...one of the biggest, most important journeys any of us can undertake. I'm about to do it myself less than nine months from now, so I should know. I have a pretty even number of friends who are married as compared to those who aren't. The ones who are married are still very new at this game, and my mostly biological family takes dysfunctionality in marriage to peaks that make Mt. Everest blush. Other than the pastor who will likely end up presiding over my wedding ceremony (a wonderful Christian man with an amazing wife with whom he is still very much in love), I haven't really found a lot in the way of good real life advice on marriage.

So, I was very glad to come across this fine essay by Mrs. DuToit on this very subject. It's very long, but I can scarcely find anything wrong with it, save a few nitpicking things around the edges that have more to do with my own personality and the contours of the specific relationship my fiancee' and I share. I'd recommend it to anyone, whether they are a long way from getting married, soon-to-be or freshly married, or even those of us who have been married a while. It's really quite good, so do read the whole thing. :)

"A friend of ours, a young friend, was recently married. He knows who he is so I won’t mention him by name, but I’ll call him “Barry.” He is a pup himself, just 22. His young bride, a blushing 19. I’ll refer to her as “Carrie.”

Carrie is just a few months younger than my own, dear Wendy, so it is difficult for me to think of Carrie as a peer, and I temper my manner and my words to her accordingly. I hope I don’t treat her in a demeaning way, but I think she understands (at least I hope she does).

Barry is a very direct kind of fellow and (for whatever reason or by whatever cause) is ahead of his peers on the maturity scale. He’s been quite successful at business, working as a consultant and running a few small side businesses. He is more than capable, even at his young age, to support a wife. It is a choice he has made with joy, both at being able to do it, and the joy it brings him to do it.

I think one of the qualities that enable Barry to be so successful, at such a young age, is that he listens. He also asks a lot of questions (and can be quite irritating about that!). But I jest. I enjoy people who are inquisitive and demanding about it. I think it is an admirable quality. I think I was equally irritating when I was his age, never shy about inquiry and the forever, “But why?”

Payback time.

Before and after their wedding, Barry (in not so many words), asked me So what advice can you give us?

Oh, brother!

Barry is quite aware that Kim and I have what could be described as a pretty sound marriage, and he wanted to know, I assume, what I think made that so. Their relationship with their own parents is somewhat strange, and not relationships they want to emulate. They are wise enough to recognize that.

So there they were, just a few weeks from their wedding date, sitting on our sofa, with open and innocent eyes.

It was so sweet and I was both flattered and terrified at what they were asking me to tell them. It was clear to me, by both body language and expression, that Carrie was the most desperate for words of advice and encouragement, so it was to her that I directed most of my advice, with cautions to Barry how he was to react/respond to his lovely wife.

Carrie will not have to support herself financially. She may, at some future point, expand on hobbies as small business ventures (which Barry will happily fund, if only to keep her happy), but her main job will be as a housewife? and at a future date, the responsibility of caring for their children.

A housewife.

That term has been so maligned and discounted for the last half century, and the idea of it scoffed at as something servant- or maid-like, I felt the first thing I needed to do was to explain to Carrie what that meant, and more importantly, what it did not mean.

It doesn’t mean that she sits around all day and does nothing, in the stereotypical bon-bon eating, soap-opera-watching freeloader.

A housewife is a grand and noble calling and it has a job description.

First are the obvious: She keeps the house. She does the shopping, the cooking, and the cleaning. If their income can support it and hire people to do some of that, great, but the housewife is responsible for doing that hiring, and the training of the people who are hired. If they do have help, that still doesn’t mean she sits around and does nothing.

She should then do volunteer work (to help others), take classes to prepare herself for educating her children some day?but she must keep busy and treat it as an occupation.

The not-so obvious comes next:

She is the manager of the house, and all it entails, but not a Drill Sergeant. That includes maintaining a household budget, keeping the checkbooks balanced and the bills paid on time. She plans meals according to their nutritional value, their cost, and the preferences of the family. She does not take the role as meal provider to mean she is the health Gestapo, but attempts to provide a balanced diet, within the scope of preferences of the family. If they don’t like peas, she doesn’t make them. She learns everything she can about nutrition, cleanliness issues, and keeping the family healthy. She is the back up nurse, in case someone takes ill, and must know the basics of first aid.

She gets dressed every day. She bathes every day. She gets up when her husband gets up and if he is so inclined, she makes him breakfast or coffee, before he goes off to work. They say good bye each morning and hello each night.

She is responsible for laundry and making sure the clothes are ironed with proper creases. If he asks for assistance in coordinating outfits, then she may provide it, but if he doesn’t ask, she does not offer the advice.

The house is her domain. She is in charge of it, but she must share it, and provide a home that is welcoming to men. Getting married is not the time to do everything she wanted to do as a girl, with pink frilly curtains, or doll or stuffed animal displays (there is time for that if she has a daughter of her own, but she must say good bye it all of that for herself). She must not turn their home into a version of a little girl’s room. It is an adult home and must be equally comfortable to men and women. She may have a study or small room that she decorates just for herself (where her household management things are kept), but every other room, shared rooms, must be sex neutral.

[At this point Barry interjected that he had no issue with that. He was more than willing to have a hands-off approach in the way the house was decorated and the furnishings she chose.]

I chastised Barry for saying that, even though I knew his heart was in the right place.

“How would you feel if she took no interest in what you did, and said to you things like ‘that’s your work, I don’t want to hear about what you do’”? The husband must take an interest in these things. When she brings home paint swatches, and presents him with choices, he should tell her what he likes and doesn’t like. “I don’t care, whatever you want to do is fine with me” is demeaning. It says to her that he doesn’t care about the house, and by extension, her and what she thinks is important. He should take equal pride in their home, even though the final decision on these matters is hers.

That doesn’t mean he chooses the colors or she becomes dictatorial in the choice, but she isn’t doing that, because she has pre-selected colors to show him. She’s chosen colors she likes and hopes he will like. If he doesn’t like any of them, he should say so, and she must not take his sharing of preferences as a personal slight. It is just the sharing of information. She should be happy to receive the input, and go back to the drawing board, with better insight.

Similarly, a young husband doesn’t get to turn his house into a black leather sofa bachelor pad, with the stereo and speaker system as the focal point in the room. That’s the male equivalent of a little boy’s room. He has to grow up, too.

She must know the basics of home repair, not to the point of being able to add an addition on the house (unless she likes that sort of thing), but she should be familiar with ordinary tools, hammer, screwdrivers, and small power tools (drills and the like).

If she has no knowledge of decoration, furnishings, or style, then it is time she did. She will need to take a class in home decoration, even taking furniture, drapery, or basic art classes if she needs to.

She will need to make a household budget, and if she does not know how to do that, then she’ll need to learn to do that, too.

She will keep the household’s social calendar, remembering to purchase “bread and butter” gifts if they will be going to someone else’s home for a meal or party. She will need to remember birthdays (her friends and family and his). She will write thank you notes for gifts the two of them have received, or hand her husband the card and stamped envelope for the ones he will need to send.

And, there is no such thing as “girls? night out” or “boys? night out” anymore. There are no “boys? rooms” in the house, where he goes off with his buddies to watch football, leaving her a weekend widow. She will not go off with her girlfriends when her husband is home.

That is what his lunch hour is for and what she does when he is at work.

When he is off work it is time for him and time for her.

That does not mean that he might engage in activities where she has no interest or the reverse. But the pastimes and leisure activities not mutually enjoyed should be gradually phased out, or limited in scope, in preference to things they enjoy doing together. That might mean she will need to learn more about football for the occasional football-watching party at the house.

If he wants to do something he knows she doesn’t like, then they need to negotiate about that, and find times for doing those things where the other doesn’t feel left out, or left home alone.

The exceptions are social activities of a business nature. They can enjoy those, but should understand these serve a broader purpose. If he likes playing golf, then golfing becomes a social- or business networking exercise, as well as a leisure activity. In the same vein, she socializes with the wives of his business associates, building a social network that supports their income. They are a team in the business/social sphere.

When he comes through the door at night, it is not his job to entertain her or to take her out because she’d been cooped up all day. She must occupy her time and engage in activities that will keep her from feeling house-bound. He is not her tour director.

What he will want when he gets home is to be home. There can still be a balance, on the occasional weekday, and especially on weekends. What is most important to understand is that their time to together is valuable and precious, and of the highest priority. Where they are and what they are doing is not important, being together and relishing that is more important than the venue or the activity. That doesn’t mean that either becomes a doormat to the other’s preferences, but to accept that wherever they are together is home.

He is now her home. She is now his home. Wherever they find themselves together is home. They are now a family, a single unit, separate and distinct from her family or his, or his friends or her friends. None of that can or should be maintained in the same way, after they are married. Their discussions and pillow talk are private, never to be discussed with friends or family, except in the vaguest of ways for advice and support. They become each other’s confidants and confessors, keeping faithful and privileged all manner of intimacies between the two of them.

They should treat each other as well as they would treat strangers. Say thank you for every meal that is prepared, for every laundry basket carried into the closet, for every run of the vacuum. When the paycheck is handed to her to deposit, she thanks him, for providing the money they both share and need. He must open doors for her, especially the door to their own home, and he must carry everything for her, but she must not assume or take it for granted, but allow him to do these things for her. They may leave small gifts on pillows or tucked inside briefcases, buying her a candy bar, or buying him a music CD. Never forget that marriage is a date that never ends. Never wait for Hallmark holidays to shower the other with words of love or small gifts. Everyday is the opportunity for Valentine’s Day.

To prevent a wall from ever being built between the two of them, they must not allow any bricks to be laid. Not a single brick. Once the first one is laid, it will be easier to lay the second, then the third, and eventually they will have built a wall so wide and so tall, they will not be able to get over it or around it.

That means that they talk about things. They must talk about things the other did that were upsetting, but do so as adults. They must accept that each other is a distinct and separate person, never intending to intentionally hurt the other. If cross words are spoken or hurt feelings occur, they must work it out, but both must be willing to compromise. They must think before they speak, never lashing out at each other. If she is upset by something he said, then she needs to develop a tougher hide. If he says things that hurt her, then he needs to temper his words, and learn to be kinder. It will allow him to practice being gentle for when he has children, and has boo-boos to kiss, and bandages to apply to crying babes, and lullabies to sing.

“When you said X, I felt Y” is the way these things should be addressed. Never should it be phrased in an accusing tone, such as “You made me feel.” He didn’t make her feel anything. She chose to feel that way, and that is what they need to work out. “My feelings were hurt when you said?” is sharing of information, not accusing the other of intentionally hurting the other, or acting in bad faith.

There are no grudges and no tit-for-tat comeuppances. If he gets new clothes without discussing first, that doesn’t mean she runs out and buys something just for spite, or just to make it “equal.” All major purchase decisions are mutual. Each should have a private checking account for their personal use? their “mad money” for things they buy for themselves (or for each other). But each must stay within that budget.

Neither has to ask the other for permission to do anything. They discuss, as adults, what each wants to do, and set priorities and budgets for things they buy and plan. Similarly, they never tell the other what to do. Never. They are equals. They might have segregated roles and responsibilities, but neither should act as parent of the other.

[There are some things I could have told them, but were too personal to say to their faces. But I can share them here.]

She must never say “no” in the bedroom. Never. Not once.

But he should never impose. Finding out when that would be an imposition is his job. Clearing herself of any emotional baggage that would cause her to say no, hers. The bedroom is not a battle ground, nor a place to settle scores or grievances.

When he wants to make love to her, why would she say no? He loves her and wants to provide her pleasure and take pleasure from her. Why would she want to deny him that? What possible excuse, other than illness or fatigue, could she use to justify saying no?

He must continue to seduce her and arouse her to his arousal. He must talk of love and coo at her, in a manner in which she feels safe and comfortable. She must be willing to be open to him and respond to his advances. He chose her. He thinks she is the most beautiful and precious being on the planet. She must live with the knowledge of that. He, too, must remember that she chose him. She chose to spend the rest of her life with him, to hear his snoring, to bear his children. He must live with the comfort and confidence of that.

There is something else terribly wrong if “no” is heard in the bedroom. They must fix that and never allow it to occur? or they must consider that they have made a bad match, and end it before they add children to the mix.

And finally, only one person gets to be crazy at a time and you must take turns. Each of us needs down time, when the other takes the turn at being the grown up, allowing the other to act a little whacky, depressed, anxious, or out of control. But only for a short time, and only within reason. Then the other gets a turn.

Having children will strain a marriage in ways only those who have children can fully appreciate. Before getting to that point, know each other. Travel if traveling is your thing. Build a house first in every sense of the word.

For those of you with daughters, do not discount the duties of a housewife. Do not discuss it as a “fall back” as if it is something you would do if you could do nothing else well. Be truthful about what it will entail, and prepare them for all the skills they will need to have to accomplish it. She must also know that she can never be petty or jealous, and must accept the man for what he is, the way he came. Her job is to support him and be supported by him, not remold him into something he never was.

For those with sons, treat them to respect women, and to enjoy (but never take for granted) their desire to please others. And let him know that if he ever raises his voice to his wife in anger, or raises his fist to her as threat or strikes her, he will have little to fear from the police or from her. You will kill him first."