This Goes Out to Everyone Who Takes Religion a Liiitle Too Seriously

I am a Christian, and I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at this story...from the archives of one of my favorite "just for fun/life" blogs, Robservations:

"Today well, something both interesting and funny happened. Did you know that there are Jehovah's witnesses in Germany? Well I didn't. Those annoying, yet persistent rat bastards that have survived many an attempt at humiliation standing outside my front door are here as well. They're the religious/pseudo-human equivalent of cockroaches. If there is a nuclear war (thanks Israel...asses) the only people left will be Jehovah's witnesses with their white shirts, black ties, and bicycles. ...

Anyway, I was resting from an especially hard run this morning on a small bench in what is usually a very quiet and tranquil spot of the park. By 6am the sun has typically risen in this part of Germany, but it is a slow rise and combined with the high clouds, the colors and breezes produced are like a defibrillator for the soul. I had just begun to catch my breath, eyes closed, listening to the park's birds waking up from their slumber and communicating where the tastiest meals of the morning are located when all of this beauty and tranquility was shattered. A rather heavy-set young man was standing in front of me holding a flyer and a Bible.

Witness: (in German) My name is Heinrich. I would love to tell you some wonderful news!

Me: (in German as well) I'm sorry. I don't speak German.

Looking puzzled, young Heinrich continued in English.

Heinrich: I'd like to give you my story of how I found happiness and fulfillment!

Me: Sure, I'll listen if youll change clothes with me.

Heinrich: I'm sorry, I do not understand.

Me: Change clothes with me. I've been running from the police and I need a change of clothes.

Heinrich: The police?!? What did you do?

Me: I beat the sh*t out of a guy on the other side of the park. The police saw me and came chasing after me so I ducked through the middle of the park and I think I lost them.

Heinrich: (eyeing me suspiciously) Why would you do such a thing?

Me: Ehh this guy approached me and started babbling on about God and salvation something about finding peace with Jehovah or some other such nonsense. (looking a little wilder) The guy just wouldn't SHUT UP! Man, I think I hurt my leg kicking him!

(a long pause)

Me: So you wanted to tell me some good news?

Heinrich: No sir, I'm afraid I was mistaken, have a good day!

At this point he started walking away and as I got up to follow him yelling "...but, but the good news!", he took off in a fat-man sprint down the sidewalk running alongside the park."

The Old People Smell, by Robert Shagwell

This site right here is one of the funniest sites I have ever visited, hands down. This post, explaining the way most old women smell is hysterical, especially the part describing why the mothball-smelling old grandma perfume is necessary. Just great, fun times all around.

"Have you ever noticed how old people always seem to smell funny? Of course you have. Everyone has. They emit gusts of repuslive redolence at every step. It makes no difference geographically, either. You can have reekers in the plains of Kansas, the piers of San Francisco, and the suburbs of Chicago.

This is considered common knowledge. Well, duh; grandkids have been exposed to this malodorance since toddlerhood when visiting the grandparents. What I find interesting is that all senior citizens tend to smell the same, especially the older women. Now, our older senior gentlemen are usually sending forth fumes consisting of encrusted urine, gingivitis, and underwashed undergarments. Again, common knowledge. Older ladies, on the other hand, tend to emit nasty effluvium in one of two flavors:

1.) Wet Dog Funk- Yes, I said it. Don’t even deny it, because you know exactly what I’m talking about. It would be one thing to have an older lady giving her dachsund (for you psych majors: weiner dog) baths everyday and then considering the stray splashing water good enough to call a “shower". It’s another when the older lady doesn’t have a dog, or a neighbor with a dog, or even a neighborhood do-it-yourself doggy detailing shop. In short, no dog should mean no dog smell. Right?

Wrong. I went undercover to find out. I found a ladyfriend of mine sleeping naked, so I woke her up, fuc*ed the sh*t out of her, and put her to sleep again. Then I went undercover again to get to the real dirt on this perplexing problem. Turns out there is no scientifically compelling reason for this. Besides passing gas every fourth step, old ladies just happen to naturally smell like a sopping wet german shephard dry-humped them first thing in the morning, and that’s the truth.

What’s there to do about it? Well, glad you asked! You should seriously consider purchasing a nice bottle of:

2.) Old Lady Perfume- I don’t even have to describe it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. There seems to be only one type, because I have never smelled an old lady who wore any perfume other than this. It’s not very attractive, and chances are they sprayed entirely too much on ("too much” referring to any amount strong enough to kill smaller domestic puppies). Now, I want to believe in my heart of hearts that there are some older ladies out there who purchase fragrances other than Old Lady Perfume. I mean, come on. As kids, do you think they enjoyed smelling their grandparents with that ghastly stench? Nope. So why would they turn into seniors at their respective times and adopt the same fumes themselves? It doesn’t make any sense, no fuc*ing sense at all.

But wait, there’s an explanation! After conducting a large-scale, statistically significant double-blind randomly-sampled survey (read: asking my grandma), I found out older ladies do wear other types of perfume. But upon immediate contact with their skin, a chemical reaction (that has yet to be researched) causes all fragrances – no matter how sweet and wonderful – to decompose into Old Lady Perfume. Try it yourselves, kids! Take some of your momma’s best perfume and spray the shit out of the nearest old lady (you can nab plenty at the neighborhood Golden Corral buffet) and see what kind of magical chemical concatenation of events take place. Once left to fester, give it a good whiff, and viola, you’ve got Old Lady Perfume! Makes a great science fair project! Grandma won’t mind, as long as you set a daytime television show on repeat nearby.

Something must be done about this travesty in modern American society, and who better to step up to the plate and take charge other than your man Dick Shagwell? I decided to do a little experiment on my own and see what an older lady would smell like without the Old Lady Perfume. After unknowingly stealing my grandmother's unlabeled antique bottle of who-knows-what, I went back and visited her three days later (just enough time to make sure all her pores were free of contamination).

I couldn’t even step into the house. It smelled like semi-digested popcorn piss, curdled yogurt poop, and festering undercooked chicken sweat, rounded out by a pugnacious stench of a wet (and probably dead) golden retriever, and that was just my grandma, not her kitchen. It all makes sense! The only aroma strong enough to conceal/cancel out/overpower their natural putridity is that Old Lady Perfume! It all makes sense now!

My nose started bleeding, and I threw the bottle in like a hand grenade and made a run for it."

Another Illegal Immigrant Suing in the United States? Give a Mouse a Cookie...

and the damn thing will want a glass of milk to go with it. First, we have an illegal immigrant drug smuggler suing the U.S. for violating his "civil rights" by shooting him in an attempt to apprehend the lawbreaker and sending two decorated Border Patrol agents to prison for over a decade each. Now, from Rick Moran at Right Wing Nuthouse, we have another one of the greedy little buggers having the nerve to sue a U.S. corporation for not giving her radio contest prize because she's an illegal. Most of these contests have rules that say you must be a U.S. citizen to claim your prize. The attorney for the radio station did his job and the right thing by telling this woman and her lawyer he'd report her to the authorities if she pressed her claim. I swear, I'm striking up the world's smallest nanotech violin of symathy for all these "aggrieved" illegal alien criminal and their "rights". Either come to this country the right way or stay home. Period. End of Discussion.

"What’s wrong with this picture? We can start by taking the Tribune to task for referring to the woman as “undocumented.” She is, of course, an illegal alien who is breaking the law by residing in the United States without a visa or green card. But hey! Whose counting?

And I don’t know what’s more shocking; the fact that the station tried to give her the car anyway without collecting the necessary tax information or the unmitigated gall of the woman to sue for “emotional distress.” Living here illegally is emotionally distressing in and of itself. But to try and soak a radio station for trying to follow the law and deny her the benefit of her ill gotten gains is beyond the pale, beyond avarice, and beyond belief. ...

Alvarez’s suit also names SBS lawyer James Cueva, who sent her attorney a letter on Dec. 19, 2005, threatening to contact immigration officials if she pursued a lawsuit.

“I will caution you that if you insist on filing suit against SBS, I will in turn be forced to refer this matter to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement as I believe your client is in this country illegally,” the letter said.

Why should the station apologize for a lawyer doing his duty as a citizen and reporting an illegal alien? The context is perfect; an illegal alien was trying to claim an expensive prize without having to pay taxes on it and was threatening to sue in order to get even more loot from the station. Whatever context you want to view that in is fine with me.

The woman is a fool. She should have waited a few months when the amnesty bill that will almost surely be passed gives her everything her little mercenary heart desires.

Until then, I sure hope she finds a way to deal with her “emotional distress.”

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

From author Ben Patterson, here's something good re: waiting. Having faith, living with patience, and trusting the outcome to God are things at the top of my list of life and spiritual struggles. One of the main reasons this is such a struggle is the difficulty inherent in trying to find a balance several competing things, such as: living in the moment and enjoying there here and now, trying to maintain and pursue personal goals both presently and going forward, not living "in the meantime" (i.e. you're so focused on what is or might be next that the quality of life in the present suffers), and trying to do all this while being flexible enough to go with God if He decides to come in and change things around (which He's known to do quite often, whether we are on board with it at the time or not). I suspect I am not alone in this. Fortunately for us, God pulls us through even when hurrying up and waiting is hard and makes us feel like giving up.

"To wait on God is to struggle and sometimes to fail, but sometimes the failures teach us more than the successes. The failures often teach us that to wait on God is not only to wait for His mercy, but also by His mercy. The glory hidden from the surface of our failures is the discovery that the very thing we wait for is also what we wait by. The success of our waiting lies not in who we are, but in who God is. It isn't our strength that will pull us through to the end, but rather God's amazing grace and mercy.

More Questions for Johnny Sutton on the Railroading of Agents Ramos and Compean

Guy and Heidi at Charming, Just Charming, in conjunction with Pat Gray, have some very hard questions for U.S. Attorney Johnny Sutton (someone should fire and/or disbar this overzealous hack, like yesterday), AUSA Debra Knopf, Judge Kathleen Cardone, and certain individuals within the Border Patrol...the people most directly responsible for the railroading of decorated veteran Border Patrol Agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean. These men are currently in prison for over a decade each while the illegal alien criminal they attempted to apprehend walks free and is suing the U.S. for violating his "civil rights". As an attorney, based on some of the things in these posts and the other things I have read, the case itself was flimsy at best. Viewed in its most charitable light, this trial was conducted in a biased and incompetent fashion; viewed less charitably, it appears there are serious holes in the allegations against the agents, shenanigans taking place during the trial, withholding of exculpatory evidence and/or other evidence that bore directly on the credibility of the alleged "victim", and an overall picture that shows a concerted effort by the judiciary and the U.S. government to lynch these men for doing their jobs in some sort of ridiculously misguided attempt to placate the Mexican government (who aren't our friends anyway). President Bush should pardon these men, IMMEDIATELY, heck, it would even give him a popularity boost politically, which he could surely use. However, given his pro-amnesty stance, his close ties to those involved in lynching these agents, and his utter cowardice and misplaced accommodation re: Mexico, I doubt that will ever happen.

"US Border Patrol Agent, Rene Sanchez

Upon returning to Mexico, Osvaldo Aldrete-Davila complained of his misfortunes to his mother, who contacted the mother-in-law of Border Patrol agent Rene Sanchez in Wilcox, AZ. According to a document, Rene Sanchez stated “that Osvaldo Aldrete-Davila's mother, Marcadia Aldrete-Davila, contacted Rene Sanchez's mother-in-law, Gregoria Toquinto, and advised her about the BP agents shooting Aldrete-Davila. Toquinto told her son-in-law, Rene Sanchez, of the incident, and he spoke to Osvaldo via a telephone call.”

Why would a Mexican drug smuggler's mother call the mother-in-law of a US Border Patrol agent, Rene Sanchez, and tell her that her son was shot by the Border Patrol after dumping a million dollars worth of marijuana?

Agent Rene Sanchez repeatedly called the Fabens Border Patrol Station requesting information to see if there were any seizures or shootings. However, according to the Department of Homeland Security in a memorandum of activity document, Rene Sanchez stated that he queried the Border Patrol Tracking System (BPETS) and found that the Fabens Border Patrol Station seized a load of marijuana on February 17, 2005. (Note: Agent Rene Sanchez also assisted with securing an attorney for Aldrete-Davila to sue Agents Compean and Ramos in a civil case.) ...

It is interesting to note that Johnny Sutton has also aggressively prosecuted a Sheriff’s deputy in Rock Springs, Texas, for allegedly violating the civil rights of illegal aliens he had apprehended. The 23 year old sheriff’s deputy, Deputy Hernandez, had a sterling record, and the Edward County sheriff said Deputy Hernandez was doing exactly what he was told to do. How did the deputy violate the civil rights of the illegal aliens he was trying to apprehend? He shot out the tires of their vehicle when they tried to run over him. One of the bullets struck an illegal alien in the back of the vehicle (he was not killed). Johnny Sutton recommended that the deputy be held without bond. He is sitting in the Del Rio jail today, without bond, and awaiting sentencing. ...

What does a cartel drug lord, with the audacity to put a bounty on the heads of the US Border Patrol Agents, do to a drug mule that loses his merchandise - $1 million dollars worth? Is it possible that within the weeks after Aldrete-Davila abandoned his load of drugs on the American side of the border, that he was shot by the drug cartel for whom he worked? Is it possible that he allowed himself to be “persuaded” by Johnny Sutton to be taken into protective custody in order to gain sanctuary from his employer? Alternatively, did this cartel drug lord have friends high enough in the Vicente Fox government to apply pressure on the Bush Administration?

Think about it: If Compean had shot Aldrete-Davila, a blood trail would have started at the levee.

If Ramos had shot Aldrete-Davila, a blood trail would have started closer to the border.

Based solely on Aldrete-Davila's testimony, with NO EVIDENCE or even a mention of a blood trail, both Compean and Ramos were convicted of shooting him. That's right. There was NO EVIDENCE of any blood to indicate which officer shot him.

It is just as likely that Aldrete-Davila was shot by the drug cartel boss in Mexico who would have been irate about losing over a million dollars in contraband.

● How much tax-payer money was used for this case?

● If there is no way to connect Aldrete-Davila to the van-load of marijuana, then why does Johnny Sutton keep tying him to the van-load of marijuana?

● If, as Sutton claimed in one statement, Aldrete-Davila was merely illegally entering the country, why was there a get-away van waiting for him on the Mexican side of the border?

● If there was no evidence – no blood, no fingerprints – from the scene, and no way to prove he was there, then why would Sutton accept every word of Aldrete-Davila?

● With the extremely lax chain of custody that occurred, with only a partial fragment of bullet removed, who shot Aldrete-Davila?

● Where is the bullet fragment?

● Where are the court transcripts? Repeated requests by Congressmen have been met with statement from the court that they are not yet transcribed. Why have they not been completed almost half a year after the conclusion of the case?

● Why was Aldrete-Davila given immunity - TWICE - plus a green card, and a car?"

Barbara Ehrenreich Book Review, Double-Barrel Style

Just finished up reading my second book by author Barbara Ehrenreich, this one entitled "Bait and Switch". It's about the struggles of middle-class working Americans who "did everything right", but who now find themselves strangely unemployed, cast aside, and otherwise shabbily treated by Corporate America. The other book of hers I read last year is entitled, "Nickel and Dimed", which details the struggles of America's working poor.

"Nickel and Dimed" hit much closer to home for me than did "Bait and Switch" because I worked so many low-paid, difficult jobs going through school. In this book, the author takes several different low-wage type of jobs, including Wal-Mart cashier, waitress, and retail, among other things. I did everything from cooking chicken to factory work to waiting tables to installing sprinkler systems on rooftops in the middle of summer to graveyards at a convenience store. None of these jobs paid very well at all, and I only took them because they allowed me to make some money and worked with my class schedule. I was miserable and tired all the time trying to do these jobs and complete my schoolwork, and the only thing that gave me solace was knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel such I wouldn't have to work jobs like this ever again. Theoretically, this is the primary way in which most of these jobs are supposed to and should be filled, but sadly this is not the case.

Far too many people work one or more of these jobs to support themselves and their families, and it is very hard to make this work. Getting hired at these jobs is relatively easy, but it's much harder to advance economically from this lifestyle for a handful of reasons. Most jobs occupied by the working poor are physically strenuous and labor-intensive. That means that if they get injured, not only are they hurt, but they are out of work as well. Compounding the problem is that almost none of these jobs offer health insurance (or if they do, it's too expensive given the wages paid), so it's unlikely most of these folks get the medical care they need if they are injured. Also, if there's no health insurance, it isn't likely that unemployment insurance will be provided either. Last but not least, unless their children pull themselves up by the bootstraps (as I did), they are likely to grow up and continue in poverty, since thier parents make so little money that they can't afford to amass any savings of substance, much less pay for school. The author's struggles and learning reflected all of these truths.

In "Bait and Switch", Ehrenreich does a great job detailing the struggles of people who are stable, responsible, mostly educated, and at least up until they get downsized, are middle class or better. From there, it's a meteoric fall from grace into a world of unpaid bills, unmet responsibilities at home, and a shady world of false purveyors of "help" and hope the likes of which would make the criminal world proud. From resume coaches to personality experts to wardrobe advisors, she spends a year trying to land a decent lower middle class non-sales job in the fields in which she has expertise (PR, event planning, marketing, etc.), and nets nothing. In fact, she comes out several thousand dollars poorer and much more cynical and jaded than when she began.

The thing I like least about these books is the author's thinly disguised socialist tendencies. She uses both books as a platform to call for all manner of increased governmental intrusion and spending, including universal health care and all sorts of other things that, if mandated, would drive quite a few business bankrupt altogether. While I applaud her for trying to find solutions to problems she experienced throughout her searches, I disagree with her solutions both philosophically and practically, and I believe she does a poor job of separating her personal political beliefs from trying to solve these problems. The best thing about both books is how they bring to light, with real people and in vivid color, the struggles of the working poor and the cast aside middle class and the how hard their respective journeys to get back on track mostly are (even when they are doing the right thing and catching some breaks). I don't claim to have solutions for these problems, aside from advocating better choices and more personal responsibility of people in general (get an education, don't have children you can't support, stay out of criminal trouble, etc.). I'll post more on this later, but as far as the insurance thing goes, I think the President has it half right when he calls for a tax cut up to a certain amount for people who purchase health insurance on their own; the other half of that equation should allow people who receive health coverage from their employer a deduction for the value of the policy (or at least the premiums, like mortgage interest). That would definitely encourage more people to buy health insurance.

Anyhow, the books are a good read if you like these kinds of topics and if you can get past the socialist bent of the author; they're definitely worth the time and both books are a quick read.

As Much As I Can Be

"As Much As I Can Be"
By Suzanne G. Israel, 2007

Singing from my heart
So I don't fall apart
Still feel a little torn
But I feel also happy and warm
I feel as if my life is going
Moving forward with no regrets
I pray my life will go right
I pray God keep me safe along the way
I hope that I'll be happy
The small part thats still apart
Is why someone let themselves slip away
But I'm starting to find peace with it now
Still think of him now and then
And now... not bothered
Not by him and I
Times gone by with lots to show
I've got my friends and family
Who have always been there for sure
Even when angry words flew
I still loved my sister and
I prayed she always knew
My life is changing
And it's week two of the New Year
I'm working on a goal
To be happy with what I do
To paint a brick will be step one
I want to help others and
have a career I love
So please let me have my talent
To do the right things
To treat others like they deserve
And be a right wing
I thank God for every day I live
I love... I laugh... I cry
And I still ask him when, where and why
I get my answers one day at a time
It's usually staring me stright in the eyes
For me to live and breath
To have a heart that bleeds
I'll forever be as much as I can be